Oh Captain, My Captain

File this very strange and disconcerting 'news' in the bizarro folder.  Captain Crunch (officially, Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch - am not making that up; it's posted on the Quaker web site) has been deceiving his 'crew' for more than 50 years.

The Cap'n - or so We've
Been Led to Believe

An intrepid investigator has discovered that the "Captain" is in fact, a mere commander.  According to Navy protocol, a full-captain should have FOUR stripes on his sleeve.  Indeed; the jumped-up commander of the SS Guppy (again, not making this up) has only three.

Is nothing sacred any more?

Cap'n Crunch, Exposed, Heads for Some Rough Seas

As an aside, Matt, a good friend from college, pointed out the resemblance between Cap'n Crunch and the French painter Paul Gauguin, and took to calling the cereal box commander "Captain Gauguin."  A self-portrait is included below; you be the judge

As another aside, the "Cap'n" was created by Jay Ward, most famous for creating the cartoon characters Rocky and Bullwinkle back in the 1960s.  So this whole saga taking place on the "Sea of Milk" (once again, not making this up) gives a whole new meaning for the phrase, "Now for something you'll really like."

The Cap'n, of course, is not taking this lying down.  A statement has been released attesting to the many years of faithful service at the helm of the Guppy, and points out some other "facts" that the 'gotcha' researchers have missed:

I stand before you today to answer the ridiculous accusations leveled against me by certain Swift-boating talk-show host rivals that I, Cap'n Crunch, am not a real cap'n! 

You may have noticed a few other things about me. I have four fingers. My first mate's a dog. My eyebrows are attached to my hat, for crunch sake!

The final salvo, "It's the crunch, not the clothes, that make the man."

Hear, hear.